


The Skelebros Buy A Car

by Yoshichao



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Humor, i wrote this at like 3am, kind of a joke fic but also this is Canon trust me, one of those 'all the au skeles live under the same roof' scenarios, papyrus is the only one with a license, rated T for swears and duels, stretch and mutt are driving illegally they're gonna go to jail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 15:03:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18758836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoshichao/pseuds/Yoshichao
Summary: Or they would, if they could agree on which one to buy...





	The Skelebros Buy A Car

**Author's Note:**

> a specific stray thought/headcanon at 12am inspired me to write this. 
> 
> it's implied that the skeletons have not known each other for very long - maybe like a few weeks to a month or two?
> 
> skelebro namekey:  
> tale: sans & papyrus  
> fell: red & edge  
> swap: blue(berry) & stretch  
> swapfell: black(berry) & mutt

"WOWIE! THAT WENT A LOT SMOOTHER THAN I EXPECTED."

"yeah, didn't think such a beat-up car would be able to go above 60 like that." Sans has to open the rear door with more force than he'd like before he can climb out of the van. Blueberry and Red file out after him, while Papyrus and Edge exit from the driver's seat and shotgun respectively. "you could say i was _floored_ by its performance."

"SANS! YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT CAR PUN - THIS ONE DIDN'T HAVE A FLOOR."

"oops, guess you're right. thanks bro, you always _steer_ me in the right direction."

"welp, it didn't fall ta pieces like i thought it would," Red says, silently glad that no one decided to take him up on his bet that the car would do just that. "still don't think we should invest in this rust bucket though." He raps on the dented van door with his phalanges and rust starts flaking off as if it were a fine layer of snow. The vehicle is so worn that no one can tell if it used to be blue or green.

"I ACTUALLY HAVE TO AGREE WITH RED ME," Blue announces, oblivious to the annoyed look that his edgier counterpart shoots him at the moniker, "I MUST ADMIT IT DRIVES MUCH BETTER THAN IT LOOKS, BUT... I DON'T KNOW - IT DOESN'T LOOK VERY SAFE! I THINK WE SHOULD GO WITH THE FORD, IT WAS IN MUCH BETTER SHAPE."

"BUT TOYOTAS HAVE MUCH BETTER RATINGS AND ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR RELIABILITY," Papyrus insists, continuing as he gestures to the car with an enthusiastic smile. "LOOK, ALL IT NEEDS IS SOME OIL AND A FRESH COAT OF PAINT--"

"--an' new mirrors--"

"--AND A NEW STEREO!--"

Sans is counting it all on his phalanges. He probably should have brought a pen and notepad to write all this down... "--and a new headlight, the back window is cracked--"

"YES, ALL THAT AND IT WILL BE GOOD AS NEW! YOU'LL SEE!!!"

Red groans. "may as well buy a whole new car..."

"unfortunately, that's not in the budget," Sans chuckles, prompting Red to respond with another, more disgust-filled groan. Although many monsters made a killing selling their gold to humans before the value tanked, most of the money that Sans made went to buying a new place that he and his bro and _all their alternates_ could live in. Seriously, it's like there's... an infinite amount of them?? What the hell. And why don't secluded mansion properties in the middle of nowhere have some sort of discount? How else is he supposed to hide his mistakes for a reasonable price?? Absolutely nonsense. Humans have no consideration for spacetime anomalies. "listen, we just need something cheap that can carry a lot of us at once for now. once we get more cash, we can buy something a little bit... nicer."

"LIKE A CONVERTIBLE!"

"OR A MOTORCYCLE!!!"

"think vanilla means something else that can carry more than one person."

Aghast, Blue looks to Sans for confirmation, who chuckles and nods tiredly. "yeah, sorry blue. motorcycle's gonna have to wait for now."

"AWW... OKAY..."

Papyrus pats Blue on the shoulder comfortingly. "DON'T WORRY, BLUE! ONE DAY WE WILL BOTH GET OUR DREAM RIDES, AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO CRUISE DOWN THE ROAD WITH THE WIND BLOWING THROUGH OUR HAIR LIKE WE'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF!"

Sweet little Blueberry beams, disappointment gone to the void as he goes starry eyed at the image. "OF COURSE, YOU'RE RIGHT! THIS CAR IS JUST A STEPPING STONE TO OUR MAGNIFICENT DREAMS, MWEH HEH HEH!" He quickly whips around to face Sans again. "LAZY ME!!! WE'LL TAKE THIS CAR!"

Unlike Red, Sans is more amused than annoyed by the nicknames his counterpart gives them. With a chuckle, he looks to the other skeletons. "welp, you heard him. everyone in agreement?" It's admittedly not his first choice for a car, but they've already been here for _hours._ He barely even cares about the car anymore, he just wants to go home and take an eight hour nap.

"I AM!"

"i still think this car sucks," Red admits, though seems to visibly relax at the prospect of freedom, "but sure, whatever."

"alright, cool. let's go find someone who can--"

"UGH, AM I REALLY HEARING THIS RIGHT NOW? WHY ARE YOU ALL COMPLETELY INEPT AT SELECTING A CAR THAT ISN'T A PILE OF TRASH?!"

It takes all of Sans' power not to groan in agony, instead choosing to squeeze his bony magic eyelid things shut and mentally count to himself. Red on the other hand looks like he's about to keel over and die, grumbling _"not this shit again"_ which thankfully goes unheard by his brother. Blue sighs dramatically while Papyrus remains the only one who seems to be keeping an illusion of patience. But even he can't stop himself from rolling his eyelights.

Please forgive Edge if he has seemed uncharacteristically quiet until now - as the others were talking, he has been scrolling through car listings on Kijiji. Within minutes of arrival he decided not a single car being sold here matched his standards and has been looking for other options ever since.

"WE CANNOT BUY THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A CAR - IT'S SOMEHOW EVEN WORSE THAN EVERYTHING ELSE I'VE SEEN TODAY! I'M AMAZED IT'S HERE AND NOT IN THE DUMP WHERE IT BELONGS." Edge literally puts his foot down, stomping up a cloud of dust. "WE'RE NOT GETTING IT - END OF STORY!"

"BUT EDGE, WE DON'T HAVE THE BUDGET FOR ANY OF THE CARS YOU LIKE," Papyrus argues calmly, his usual smile looking a hint strained. Before this can spiral into the umpteenth argument of the day, Red quickly chimes in before his brother can respond.

"ok, how's this fer a compromise? we get th' volkswagon - decent price, fits eight, doesn't look like shit. we good?"

"BUT THAT MODEL HAS SUCH TERRIBLE REVIEWS!" Blue says, immediately earning a groan.

"fuck th' reviews, those people don't know shit. there's plenty'a them that're good ones - it'll be fine."

"NO, IT WON'T!" Red instinctively shrinks into his hoodie at Edge's tone and the very angry finger point in his direction. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD FROM SOMEONE WHO CAN'T EVEN DRIVE! YOU GET NO SAY IN WHICH CAR WE BUY!"

"...what? b-boss, y've never driven either--"

"OH, YOUR BROTHER CAN'T DRIVE EITHER? WHAT A COINCIDENCE!" It is perhaps lucky for Red that Papyrus chose to speak over him, preventing Edge from hearing the absolute _shade_ he almost laid bare. "SANS - _MY_ BROTHER, I MEAN - CAN'T DRIVE EITHER! HE JUST HAS THIS SILLY TRICYCLE--!"

"UGH, YOURS TOO?? IT'S SUCH A HIDEOUS ABOMINATION TO NATURE - THREE WHEELS?! WHAT IMBECILE DESIGNED SUCH A THING??"

Sans and Red both look at each other. For a brief moment, Red is relieved to find solace in having something in common - not knowing how to drive and owning stupidass tricycles - but finds himself confused when Sans starts snickering at him.

"ha, you don't know how to _drive._ "

"what the fuck!!" Now this is just betrayal of the highest degree. Looks like you really can't trust anyone in this world - not even lameass goody-goody alternate universe versions of yourself. "yer bro an' ya have been on th' surface fer _how long_ an' yer makin' fun've _me_ fer not bein' able ta drive??" When Sans just keeps chuckling, Red growls. "y' fuckin' piece've shit--"

"W-WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE EITHER!" Blue announces, stepping between his two alternates in an attempt to diffuse a potential PHYSICAL CONFRONTATION. Because this is _certainly_ not a good location to be having one of those!! Duels should only occur in dedicated dueling arenas!!! "BUT I'D LIKE TO LEARN, SO THEN I CAN GET A MOTORCYCLE LICENSE!!! HEY, MAYBE WE CAN ALL LEARN TOGETHER - MY BROTHER CAN JOIN US TOO!" As if suddenly just realizing said skeleton's absence, Blue starts looking around. "THAT REMINDS ME, PAPY-- I MEAN, UMM... STRETCH! ERR, _M-MY BROTHER'S_ BEEN GONE A LONG TIME - SO HAVE THAT OTHER ME AND HIS BROTHER - WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED TO THEM?"

"beep beep comin' through."

Nobody would be able to tell you how the five skeletons did not see the shitty red-and-yellow plastic kids' coupe slowly rolling towards them. Stretch is inside the damn thing, barely able to fit the height limit the roof enforces despite being painfully hunched over. These luxurious kids' vehicles are known for being propelled forward by feet power (or a malevolent force who only volunteered to push the car so they could shove it down a hill), but judging by the lack of crocs poking out from under the car, it's incredibly obvious that the coupe is being driven by magic. Sorry Stretch, those car noises you're making aren't fooling anybody.

Sans and Red are doubled over, dying from laughter at this ridiculous sight, while Edge just throws his arms up in the air.

"I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO _START_ WITH ALL THE THINGS WRONG HERE."

"wrong? what's wrong, edge? i brought us our new car."

Laughing even harder, Red slips and falls flat on his face. Sans completely loses all restraint and his laugh raises a few octaves, nearly squeaking like a dumbass skeleton mouse. Instead of wallowing in embarrassment from falling like an idiot, Red just rolls over and starts snickering.

"holy shit, yer laugh is so dumb!"

"shut-- snrk he he he-- _shit--!_ " Whoops, Sans machine broke. Unable to control his voice, the skeleton just hides his face in his hands as he keeps giggling, doubled over so far that all the blood would rush to his head if he had any. Red doesn't even make an attempt to get up, curling in on himself as he keeps laughing. The two of them are so far gone, they are halfway to the sun at this point. See ya, space skeles.

"BROTHER, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" We return to ground control, where Blue is gesturing to the coupe in exasperation. Inside, Stretch is resting his mandible on the plastic steering wheel while wearing a shit-eating grin. "THIS COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE OUR NEW CAR - IT CAN BARELY FIT YOU, NEVER MIND THE REST OF US! AND GET OUT OF THERE, YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK YOUR SPINE IF YOU KEEP SITTING LIKE THAT!!!"

"no it's fine, check it out--" Stretch reaches up and presses his phalanges flat against the ceiling of the little car. With very little force, the plastic roof pops out of its sockets. Papyrus lets out a gasp.

"IT'S A CONVERTIBLE!!!" The skeleton squeals, clapping his gloved hands together. "THAT'S INCREDIBLE! HOW MUCH IS IT?"

Stretch shrugs. "dunno. probably should have checked before i ganked it from walmart."

"WHAT DOES 'GANKED' MEAN?"

"I THINK I'VE HEARD IT ON A LIVESTREAM ONCE? IT'S, UM-- WAIT!! PAPY-- _BROTHER!!!_ YOU'RE DISTRACTING US BY USING STRANGE WORDS OF QUESTIONABLE MEANING AND ORIGIN! WE ARE NOT BUYING THIS CAR, AND THAT IS FINAL. GO PUT IT BACK!"

"aww, ok. but do the other guys have to put theirs back too?"

"OTHER GUYS?"

As if on cue, a familiar war cry has everyone turning their heads. There, emerging from the sunset horizon...

...is none other than Black crouching atop a pink kids' coupe. Inside the driver's seat is his brother, who is making car noises much like Stretch had been.

"I AM THE WIND!!!" Upon spotting the others, Black stands up while still on the coupe, keeping astonishing balance as he strikes a pose. "THERE'S THAT ORANGE-CLAD FIEND! MUTT, AFTER HIM!!!"

Mutt starts scooting his way towards Stretch, his grin both determined and amused. Despite Blue's protests, Stretch takes off to confront their edgier counterparts with a matching grin of his own. Red is still dying from laughter while Papyrus and Blue are legally unable to stop this duel about to occur, only able to watch on with fascinated horror. Edge has turned away completely, pretending this idiotic nonsense isn't happening while he continues to scroll through Kijiji listings. Sans continues laughing for a bit, pittering out when he suddenly remembers the credit card in his pocket - which has been there all day.

"hold on, you guys didn't _steal_ those, did you--?!"

Typically when a disaster or dramatic action sequence is about to occur, it will happen in slow motion to magnify just how _dramatic_ and **EPIC** it is. However, no such thing happened here. One second these two skeleton-driven coupes are approaching each other at increasingly alarming speeds - probably much faster than the defined speed limit on these vehicles - and the next second they collide with a loud crash, instantly smashing both coupes and sending plastic and skeletons flying alike. Rooves snap off, doors unhinge, wheels roll to parts unknown... and in the middle of it all is a pile of bones and now-useless plastic.

"MY GALLANT STEED MAY HAVE BEEN WORTHLESS, BUT I, THE MALEVOLENT SANS, STILL WON THAT DUEL! AS EXPECTED!!! MWEH HEH HEH!"

After Black leaps off the two skeletons he landed on, Stretch sits up with a groan, shoving aside pieces of the broken vehicles. "ok, now that was epic."

_"Did you hear something?"_

_"What the hell is going on over there?"_

Funny how there's never anyone around when you want to buy an old beat-up car so you can finally get out of here, but suddenly there are voices approaching from all sides as soon as a trio of clowns complete their demolition derby session with a couple (stolen??) kids' toys.

"uh oh, time to go," Stretch announces to absolutely no one as he stands up. He doesn't even take the time to dust himself off before he's making long strides towards his brother, who is already halfway through a STERN LECTURE that Stretch didn't catch the start of.

"sorry bro, you can keep talking on the way." And with that the taller skeleton scoops up his bro like a flailing football.

"AAAAAAAAAA! PAPY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME DOWN!!!"

Ignoring Blue's protests, Stretch walks past Sans and the others, giving them a lazy wave and a grin. "see ya back home guys. good luck with the car hunt."

"MUTT, PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT! I'M NOT GOING UNTIL I'VE PICKED OUT MY NEW MOTORCYCLE!!!"

"sorry milord, we'll have to come back another day. maybe they'll have something to better suit you then." In a similar fashion, Mutt passes the remaining skelebros while carrying Black. He doesn't say anything to them, just shoots a wicked shit-eating grin and keeps going.

And that's it, they are _gone._ Everyone involved in this Coupe Catastrophe™ has fled the crime scene, leaving the remaining four skeletons to clean up after them.

"DON'T WORRY EVERYONE," Edge finally says triumphantly, in a tone that sounded like he had been _extremely_ successful in ignoring all the shenanigans that just occurred, "YOU ALL MAY HAVE A HORRIBLE TASTE IN VEHICLES, BUT I, THE TERRIBLE EDGE, HAVE SAVED US ALL AND FOUND A LISTING FOR A 'VINTAGE 1966 SUPER ELITE HOT WHEELS BATMOBILE' FOR JUST SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS. YES, THE PICTURE IS UNCLEAR SO I CANNOT JUDGE THE EXTENT OF ITS ADEQUACY UNTIL I SEE IT IN PERSON, BUT THE DESCRIPTION SOUNDS PROMISING. LEAVE THIS HUNK OF TRASH WHERE IT BELONGS AND LET US GO SEE WHAT THIS SO-CALLED 'BATMOBILE' HAS TO OFFER."

And with that, Edge turns on his heel and starts walking away before waiting for anyone to respond. Unable to believe everything that has happened in the last three minutes, Sans can't help but watch him go in bewildered silence. When it's clear the tall skeleton isn't coming back, Sans turns to address Red with a joke on his non-existent tongue... just to find that his edgy counterpart has already vanished from his spot. Poof. Absolutely gone-zo. No trace he was even there.

Leaving just regular ol' Sans and Papyrus to process what the hell just happened.

"...SO WE'RE GETTING THE TOYOTA, RIGHT?"

"well, we're definitely not getting the broken  _toy ota_ there."

Papyrus slams the car door so hard that it falls off.

 

**Author's Note:**

> me at 12:10am: "i just realized that swap sanses have a motorcycle because of the tricycle, which means the swap papyri must have those plastic kid car things"  
> me at 12:13am: "oh no i have a terrible idea"
> 
> thank you for reading. feel free to follow me on twitter @Yoshichao where i tweet a lot about nonsense.


End file.
